I'm not the only one!

Okay, so I know I've been absolutely horrible, and I promise unto all things Holy that I will give a real update soon, but I follow these two hilarious tumblr pages (http://whatshouldwecallbassoon.tumblr.com and http://soyoureachurchmusician.tumblr.com).

And on the latter, I just found this gem:

                           WHEN MY BEST FRIEND AND I LISTEN TO HYMNS IN THE CAR

Plus the even more applicable to this blog/post (which is on the link but I will also copy and paste here for ease of use):

http://soyoureachurchmusician.tumblr.com/post/25621792164/quotes-from-my-choir-director

QUOTES FROM MY CHOIR DIRECTOR

In my last two years at IU, I was fortunate enough to be in the early music choir, under the direction of William Jon Gray. Throughout the last year, I started writing down things he said in rehearsals that were just absolutely hilarious. Some may not make sense, but they still were good enough to be written down.

So, here’s to you Dr. Gray. :)

1. I am not a man, but a worm.

2. You may not like being called a sackbut.

3. The passaggio is a ramp, not a parking lot.

4. You stray from the pack and a predator eats you.

5. Your Eb was like lobbing two hot dogs at a dartboard.

6. ….And you’re up there jivin’ on top.

7. Taste the sin in your mouth.

8. There’s ecstasy in the melisma.

9. When I die, it won’t be breathy. There will be core in my last words.

10. I’m tired of singing all this penitential crap! I wanna sing happy songs! *He wasn’t serious…..*

11. No scratching off in Palestrina.

12. Your Holy Spirit was more like an ostrich.

13. There are no 3rds in the grave.

14. Did your mother have any children who lived?

15. There’s nothing worse than dry polyphony.

16. We don’t have time for such subtleties in the monastery.

17. Asperges me: The liturgical version of “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head”.

18. The tenors migrate in the Fall.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And I just got super excited, because not only am I not the only one to notice all of the crazy awesome things that musicians (especially directors) say in normal conversation/rehearsals, I'm also not the only one to write them down and blog about them!!!

So thank you, tumblr, for reminding me that it's not such a small (musical) world after all. XD

Lips, Fishing and Jesus' Crucifixion

I'll skip past all the profuse apologies of not blogging in over a month...and just say that I'll try to update at least once a week on Mondays, how's that sound? Because see, I follow this youtube channel called Blimey Cow, and they have "Messy Mondays" every week when they make a new video. (they're hilarious. Seriously. Check them out.) So, maybe every week when I watch they're video, I'll remember to update the blog. Get it? Got it. Good. :-)

So, winter quarter, back in February (still, I know, it's shameful. But hey, at least I have plenty to get us through the summer hiatus, yes? XD), we were working on this gorgeous piece by David Gillingham called "Lamb of God." It's basically a musical exposition of the last hours of Jesus.

In the middle of the piece, we hear the nails pounded into His hands, and in-between each set of three metal against metal hammer hits, the french horn section lets out this chord cluster of pure agony.

Except, as most musicians know, there's a way to do things like minor seconds and chord clusters so that they're painful in a good way, and that's not exactly what was happening.

Doc lamented: "Horns, whatever note you land on, stick it. Don't fish for it. That's an F, not it's an E, whatever it is, sucks for you. Stay there."

I'm pretty sure that needs no explanation.

The piece continued, and this time, the chord clusters went to the trombone section, all 3 of them. But only one was playing, so there was really no chord cluster at all. Which obviously, wasn't going to work.



 "Trombones, we've gotta have those chord clusters. I'm talking lips flashing out the end of the bell!"

Tried as I might, I never could find a .gif image of the visual that phrase will give you, so you'll have to just enjoy this pretty picture of a trombone bell. We're talking some Good Vibrations! *sings to the bad pun*

That was how rehearsal on Tuesday went, lots of chord clusters, or rather, not the chord clusters. haha.

On Thursday's rehearsal, we tried the piece again. Played it straight through...basically. (Doc always says he'll run something straight through, but inevitably we can't get past the beginning without repeating something. "Last time, for real!" "Okay, seriously, last time." "One more time, promise." "Just fix this and we'll move on, guys." etc, etc. lol)

And once we got to the end, Doc left us with this quote: "That piece is really the stick in the spokes of our repertoire right now."

Nobody could argue with the man.

Hobey ho!

Education - the Musician's Way

Just a short note, one I will probably extrapolate on later when I am not on a sleep deficit and meant to be in bed already.

Here's an article I found, explaining why teachers of jazz are so effective. Consider this quote (possibly my favorite from the article):


"Hearing such wonderful music from children raised a nagging question. Why can’t kids master complicated science, math, language arts, or social studies? Why does everybody struggle so mightily to get kids to pass simple-minded government-mandated tests in academic subjects?

And then it hit me. Jazz-band teachers do the right things in teaching that other teachers need to learn how to do.

Two things are essential in teaching, the professionalism of the teacher and the motivation of the students. Most school jazz programs provide both. "

Here's the article for you to read more fully. And don't worry, it's short, will only take you a moment or two.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/memory-medic/201204/what-all-teachers-should-learn-jazz-band-teachers-1

Or maybe, no matter how much I do and always will advocate music education for all, maybe the real key to education is remembering that students are INDIVIDUALS, with their own experiences and influences and thought-patterns and desires and needs, rather than identical genders and developmental ages that should be pushed through an out-dated system designed to produce competent and obedient factory workers. In other words, perhaps we should treat students as children instead of tyrants, like this school:

http://acestoohigh.com/2012/04/23/lincoln-high-school-in-walla-walla-wa-tries-new-approach-to-school-discipline-expulsions-drop-85/ 

 Thoughts anyone?

Hobey-ho.

Sacking the Cathedral

Much to our chagrin as musicians, our performance hall was originally built as a chapel for the University, so it has terribly random hot spots, completely inconsistent temperatures and textures that bounce the sounds all around until they are a jumbled mess. Our rehearsal room, unfortunately, is also not the best acoustically. Everything just swallows up the sounds and it is very dry.

Doc was lamenting this fact during rehearsal one day as a percussion player tried (unsuccessfully) to cover his part. However, the guy that he is, Doc largely understood that it was more about the room than the player. "We need a big cathedral for the cymbal crash right there. Here, it's just dying like a bug on a rug."

Which is, of course, when I envisioned a cymbal trying to crawl around on the floor until upending itself onto it's back in death grips, trying to figure out how on earth it would twitch. Perhaps it would unravel the metal like loose strings instead? If anyone else has any better ideas, I'd love to hear them.


One rehearsal, Doc pulled out a new piece of music. The main theme skipped between several different instruments in small doses until it rallied the band as a whole towards the climax. Which, of course, is when the trumpets took the melody - with all of it's idiosyncratic rhythms and note leaps - up an octave.

There are six trumpet players in our wind ensemble. That's generally two to a part, 1st, 2nd and 3rd, unless there are additional parts for a piccolo trumpet, cornet and/or flugelhorns. (from left to right in the picture above, the instruments are: flugelhorn, trumpet, cornet, and the piccolo) So in essence, there should have been six trumpeters belting out this grandiose part.

Should have being the optimum word there. Instead, nearly everyone gave up, staring at their music in a confused horror.

Doc cut the group off and looked to the back row, to Patrick, the principal. "Patrick, sounds like you were left holding the bag there!"

Which only reminded me of a woodwind quintet rehearsal at least two years back, perhaps three. Woodwind quintets are groups of five individuals (obviously): an oboe, a bassoon, a clarinet, a flute, and a french horn. All of us were students, with 4 girls and 1 guy, not counting our director (Doc) who occasionally filled in the french horn slot, especially since woodwind quintets perform without a director.

Anyway...so we were rehearsing one day, Doc wasn't there, and man oh man. What a day. Everybody was having some kind of trouble. Either there were giggle fests over nothing, music flying off stands at page turns, screws popping off the flute, reed issues for all three of the reed players, tempo issues, I mean you name it, it happened. Finally our clarinetist (who will kill me if I put his real name here...hahaha...so we'll call him Welsh) just gives up. "Sorry guys. I think I just killed my clarinet. I sound worse than a five year old in a burlap sack!"

There was silence for a second as we all got visuals (mine was rather like a snake charmer, except a baby with a mouthpiece pops out), and then we packed our instruments with laughs so hard we all got instant six-packs.

One for the record books, eh?

We still remind him about the burlap sack anytime he squeaks in rehearsal. XP

Hobey-ho!

Trombones and Julie Andrews

Three little quotes today, one from Doc and two from Maestro. We'll go in that order.

So...there was this wind ensemble piece...much like any other...with a trombone lick...that wasn't being played...(much like usual). And Doc had this to say about it:

"Blow that out because you're the only thing in town right now!"

Apparently, our wind ensemble rehearsals no longer take place merely in the little broken down building on campus, but instead, we are the only musicians in the entire town! lol.

Then, with Maestro, way back in February, when we were still practicing Sound of Music (this is actually slightly appropriate even at so late a date, because we are doing a run-out performing of Sound of Music this weekend. Yay!), there was a piece that was in cut time, which is 2/2. Two beats per measure, half notes get the beat.

A student asked Maestro, "What beat is the fermata on?"

And Maestro immediately replied, "Beat 4."

Wha?! (remember, cut time = only 2 beats per minute. Where did the extra two beats come from? :-/)


Later on in the same rehearsal, Maestro messed up a meter change, and the group just fell apart. But instead of shaming us or correcting himself, he merely crumpled up the piece of music paper!

"Take THAT Roger and Hammerstein*!"

I really hope that was a copy and that we won't have to pay royalties back on the damage...

Hobey-ho!

*Roger composed the music and Hammerstein wrote lyrics for some of the most loved musicals/movies such as Sound of Music, The King and I, Oklahoma!, and Cinderella. They are often referred to as the men who initiated the Golden Age of musical theatre. Together they generated over 34 Tony Awards, 15 Academy Awards, the Pulitzer Price and 2 Grammys.

Doctionary

Doctionary - like the Chiptionary, only with Doc, and the Chiptionary is like the Dictionary, only Chip's version.

Chip was the handbell choir director at the church, the man who taught me basically everything I know about handbells and whom I took over the groups from when his health got bad. He has this funny way of twisting words, adding lots of -ossinations and who knows what else. Nobody has figured out how he comes up with this stuff, but we call it the Chiptionary. I think Doc has caught the fever.

Back in March (I know, I'm so behind. I write stuff down at least 3x a week but I don't have time to blog about them, or I want to get enough of them to survive the summer drought...so yeah...forgive me on the slow updates here), Doc was rehearsing a piece, of course, what else do we do in wind ensemble? haha. Anyway...he unexpectedly added to the Chiptionary:

"What did we learn here horns, huh? You hold that half note all the way to beat three. Way too much gapossinationing!"

I about fell out of my seat trying not to laugh. I don't think Doc realized who he's stealing that from, but it made me all the more happy. I told Chip about it when I saw him a few weeks ago, and he was either pleased to have his legacy continue, or completely flabbergasted about how Doc came up with that one.

Good times.

Or, in another example, Doc uses the special instrument talk, that only certain musicians understand. Say, for instance, if you said "Use the pancake!" Most people would assume you were talking about those fluffy little circles of deliciousness that go with any topping and any meal of the day - especially when it's your grandmother's secret handed-down-for-generations recipe of AWESOMENESS (Sorry, I have a pure Southern Grandmother who's cooking is better than Paula Dean's, just as unhealthy, but whose ingredients must never be shared outside the family. I miss home. *sigh*) - and wondering how on earth a pancake could help you get out of a music problem. However, if you told me, a bassoonist, to "Use the pancake!" I would automatically know you were talking about the smooth right thumb key that is like a large circle, which we call the pancake key (It's also known as the E key, but I mean come on, how boring is that? I'd much rather think about food every time I handle my instrument. YUM.).

However, Doc was talking to the trumpets this time, not to me, sadly. XD

"Not bwah bwah bwah *hand motion of two jellyfish separating horizontally*. Throw darts on that! You're playing on a what, Bach 5 1/2? Play like you're on a Bach 7 instead." Most of the students gave him a quizzical look. What on earth was he talking about?

But instead of explaining, Doc just qualified his choice: "This is the language he understands, guys."

Aside: for the record, Bach whatever-numbers are well-known trumpet mouthpieces. The numbers and letters refer to elements of the mouthpiece that effect not only the ease to which a sound can be produce, but also the type of sound typically produced. The lower numbers tend to be best for beginners and they allow for ease of sound production, but should be replaced quickly whenever a student's embouchure (mouth position) strengthens as the produced tone is usually weak. The highest number, 7, is the deepest, which, according to a mouthpiece guide, "produces a colorful, liquid tone which is uniform over the entire scale." It tends to be the most focused and gives the greatest range in volume, which was assuredly what Doc was referring to in his minor berate. Obviously, depending on the instrument and your individual style of playing, whatever number works best for your instrument to give you the most preferred sound and tone is the mouthpiece you should use. I only know what little I do because of my lovely Brass Methods course where I learned to play the trumpet and the trombone (and the tromboon, yay!). Thanks Doc. :-)

And for the final quote of the day, we go back to a lovely February moment.

Sometimes, when Doc doesn't feel like using the Chiptionary, or the instrument language, he just creates his own.

He was talking to the suspended cymbal player.

"Let it scoutch a little more."

Yes, scoutch. It was like a mix between scootch like "scootch over on the couch, will ya?" and the dipthong "Ow" with that o-u sound.

Doc thought for a moment. "Scoutch. Like, let it ring, yeah."

And all I could think of was, "Scoutch? Always wanted a scoutch."

Hobey-ho!

Easter Drag

Yes, I'm two days late. Doc actually had all of this to say on Monday. Hey, grad school and three jobs plus rehearsals keep me busy, alright? Alright.

So as usual, we start rehearsal with a little warm up and then tune the group. Usually we do an A to the woodwinds, an F to the brass, and a Bflat for the whole group, bottom to top. But apparently Doc wanted to switch it up...and we paid no heed. "Let's have a tuning note, bottom to top." *tunes* "Okay now an A to the woodwinds."

Students "Uh...that was an A."

Doc "Oh it was? I'm sorry. *smirks* You think you're smart, eh? Well since you've already had an A, an A to the woodwinds just in case."

He should know better than to change M.O.'s after four years (or five+ for several of us, haha).

We proceeded to work on a piece called Sanctuary, and Doc had this to say when we finished a section: "It's close...it's sleepy. It's the Monday after Easter is what it is. You've got the 'Don't make me do anything hard today' look."

I think it's probably pointless to mention that he did not allow us to stay on "easy" stuff that rehearsal, or any other, for that matter. But breaks always have the same effect. Christmas normally a lot of us perform at our home churches or whatever, so it's not so bad. But Thanksgiving, Spring break, oh and especially summer! If we're not actively practicing our craft, you do not even want to know what those first few rehearsals back sound like. Doc probably goes home cringing and wondering how on earth he'll manage a band playing elementary school bad. :-(

Don't get me wrong, elementary school bands and orchestras do amazing things for how little musical study they've had. But by the time you're in college...there's really no excuse, especially if you're a Music Major.

We didn't even take off for the Easter Holiday is the sad thing, however. Most of us played for any number of church services. I even showed up to the Sunrise service on Sunday just to hear the brass ensemble. 7am is a small price to pay to see Doc blast it out on the coronet (usually he plays french horn). There's something wholly satisfying about seeing your professors strut their musical prowess (or lack thereof, as sometimes happens). It really gives you confidence to know you're studying from the best. And even when they mess up (hey, nobody's perfect!), it just helps you figure out that no matter how great at your instrument you get, there's always something else to discover and new mistakes to learn from (or just get over. lol).

Okay...and if I'm honest...it's a total ego-stroke when your professors mess up. *maniacal laughter* It's almost like payback for all of the scales and crazy fingerings and ridiculously fast runs that you've practiced over and over and over with that stupid uncompromising metronome beeping it's two-tone pitch at high-volume decibels for hours until your lips bruise and your fingers bleed (then turn into calluses you could never hope to get rid of) and you hear the passages in your nightmares and your fingers itch for an instrument and you've practically memorized it by now, only to discover that there's now something harder to learn, or that the piece is cut from the repertoire, or worse yet, that nobody can even hear you! *breathe* (sorry about the run-on sentence, I was on a roll!)

Yes...that is the life of a musician. Driving yourself crazy in the never-ending quest for perfection. And loving every minute of it.

Hobey-ho!